Behind closed doors

 We live most of our lives within the confines of four walls. Our room, our house, family dinners, birthday parties, work, train, car, bus. We try and make this business of living our life as pleasant as possible by making our rooms, houses and whatever other four walls that surround us as pleasant as possible. Oddly enough this means that by doing so we exclude, rather than include. The concept of 'home' is the epitome of exclusion - the moment we close the front door behind us we enter a world that belongs to us, and only us.

On the train we use headphones to exclude the noise of other people, to create a private space where we can cherish the idea of being an individual - someone who has choices, or can be who they believe themselves to be. We don't say hello to passers by, we nudge others in queues, we have, to all effects, excluded the world. Only very rarely, and by exception, is this picture different.

I am not a social animal. Besides my introverted nature I am socially awkward, I lack the finesse to maintain conversations and tend to interpret enquiries after my health as enquiries after my health, rather than part of a social protocol that I don't appear to understand. I took me a while to learn to respond with a well rehearsed "Fine, thanks, and how are you?" and realise there are benefits to doing so. The question isn't really about me, it's about opening a conversation, allowing someone into a common space, a bit like standing in the hallway before you decide to let someone in or not, and on what condition. There are people I definitely enjoy sharing my space with, nonetheless, they are not very many. So the question now helps me to decide who to let in, and who to keep outside. I believe it's what we all do, we just do it in different measure.

It took me a lot longer, if I ever did learn at all, to understand that if someone says: "Tell me what you think." they invariably do not like the answer. Generally speaking people do not want you to tell them what you think, they want you to confirm what they think. There are ways of learning how to find a middle road, but it somehow never really sunk in with me.

Perhaps I am being harsh, but having gleefully walked into brick walls an amazing amount of times, this definitely reflects my experience.

It's all about projection, and ego. Both yours and mine. My idea, and yours, of who we each are.

The same happens in offices, in groups, in teams. Four walls multiplied by however many people are in the room - it's the reason open plan offices can't work, ever. We may be social animals, but we are also ferociously territorial (that's the ego part). We create an idea of home, private space, four walls wherever we go. In that four wall space we carry an image of the world, which is unique and very far from universal, learned mostly within the confines of four walls: home, school, television, books, hockey fields.

My view of the world has been shaped by my experience of it, just like everyone else's, but it is an isolated experience. Even growing up with my brother and sister the experiences we lived through together have resulted in something totally unique - whether you are introverted, like me, or extraverted. We still live our lives principally within four walls and furnish our lives, whether imaginary or physical with what we like.

So next time someone asks you to "think out of the box", take heed. In many cases it is wise to explore the box you're in before you do and find out whose box you're really in, and what they want. You might otherwise discover that to think out of the box is a leap too far.